My follow-through has never been strong which is something I have resented about myself for such a long time. Resent maybe isn’t the right wrong, but it’s frustrating to me understanding that I am in control of a certain amount of things in my life, but still not asserting my control over them. All of this is to say that I’ve been talking very simply to myself which has been allowing me to understand things, about me, more. I told myself, along with other things, that every day I would write in this blog– and for the past 51 days I have held myself to it. Felt guilty even, if I tried to skip it. I’ll admit that I definitely bullshitted a couple of entries, but 40 of those 51 are genuine. I think it’s important that I acknowledge this accomplishment because I controlled myself. I struggle with control and focus. I know that if I am to continue to grow, I have to become better at both of these things. I’m doing well. I’m a senior member of my management firm. I’m helping open a cafe in town focusing on CBD and coffee that is requiring me to double down on my control and my really fucked attention span. I have people in my corner who believe in me. I know that I thought my life would like different at 30– but I trust that the Universe has my best interest at heart. A long time ago I thought I would leave the South, but maybe I’m not suppose to? I was chasing a girl and a dream, and if this site is about honesty, maybe my heart is still chasing the same girl, but I’m not chasing the same dream.
I’m chasing a simple life to contrast my complicated workspace. I’m chasing genuine connection, quiet nights, genuine laughter, and enough adventure to make me miss home.
If I have learned anything about the South during the past week, it’s that we are at a turning point. There are more people like me here than there ever was. What if I am to invest in my community? In the kids who came from backgrounds like me? Who think that life just “is” without understanding that it could be more?
I may have written a time or two that I don’t think that I can be this woman that I am outside of the south and though I believe it part of me feels discontent when I think of planting roots. I know that’s the part of my heart that still chasing the girl. I know that that is silly. I know that I am better at ignoring it than I have ever been, but it still compels me.
I trust the Universe. I try to question less and just DO more. I’m going to buy a house and fill it up with things that make me feel at home. I’m going to continue to grow in this industry. I’m going to spearhead a CBD cafe opening just to say someone trusted me to do this SO FUCK YEAH I DID.
I’m still the wolf. But I remember the girl. I remember the ship. I’m grateful to have been all three of them.
30-something Mississippi queer. Bleeding heart with a soft spot for honesty and oversharing. Conquering corporate America and my own insecurities– one day at a time.