I have a stockpile of words resting on my tongue, shuffling around my head, filling my heart so full I’m afraid that at any moment a vein is going to blow. I’ve been thinking a lot today, lately. I think I’ve forgotten how to make friends. I have friends, but only a couple. However, we don’t have a lot of things in common. We used to. The friends I have now I have had since high school. There’s comfort there. There’s a deep connection. I know that they will be around for life, but they’re not the type of friends I would necessarily hang out with if I didn’t know them , didn’t have such affection for them already. We always joke that we’ve been “grandfathered” into this friendships, but it’s no joke. What I’ve been thinking about is romance. I’m not chasing after it anymore, not chasing after girls. Not pining. Well not pining for romance in the traditional sense (girl meets girl, girl likes girl, girl falls in love and so on, a timeless American classic). What I’ve been thinking that I want, what has been driving me crazy is the notion of romantic friendships. Not fucking. Let’s be clear. What I mean is one of those friendships where you feel as if this person is a part of you. A kindred spirit. That’s what I’m searching for this year. Yes I know I have to look within and I am. I must. However when I mentioned this the general consensus of the people I already know is that that is fucking weird. Why is it weird? Why is romantic love the be all end all of relationships? Naturally I would love to fall in love, one with a concrete foundation and bliss and a lot of great sex but I’m not interested in that for the moment. This year I’m interested in finding souls that speak to mine. That won’t mind my soft, that won’t cater to my ego. That won’t find the idea of “romantic friendships” off-putting.
30-something Mississippi queer. Bleeding heart with a soft spot for honesty and oversharing. Conquering corporate America and my own insecurities– one day at a time.